[EDITOR’S NOTE: Two years ago, we ran a hilarious feature from David Dunbar entitled, “To Break Or Not To Break: A Drain Cleaning Tools Survival Guide,” (tinyurl.com/z6j43vrs) which offered such helpful tips as, for example, No. 5: “Make that camera head earn its keep. Why use a $30 cutting tool to clear pipe obstructions when a $3,000 camera head will do?” Of course, David ended with slightly more traditional advice for caring for draining cleaning tools. This time around, he returns with customer service tips.]

OK, admit it. How often have you heard plumbing and drain cleaning pros blame customers for them not completing their work on time – or for simply not completing their work in a professional manner?

Maybe these sound familiar: 

• “If not for all these phone calls, I would have been done yesterday!” 

• “I wanted to finish this job last week. But I had to drop everything to take care of a crazy customer!” 

• “I had my day all planned out. Then the phone blew up. And my schedule belly-flopped in the toilet!” 

And the all-time classic: 

• “We could get some serious work done around here if it weren’t for all of these pesky customers!” 

Alright, alright … maybe those thoughts aren’t expressed out loud. 

But after all, you tell yourself with a nudge and a wink, scientific research has confirmed that employees perform poorly when faced with frequent interruptions. That undermines worker productivity! 

And what’s more distracting and disturbing than unexpectedly demanding customers? 

Eliminate The Problem’s Sources 

Let’s admit that we can no longer dance around the obvious: 

• The obvious key to optimizing business efficiency – and finally working in peace – is eliminating as many customers as possible. 

To that end, let me humbly share my 10-Step Program to shed customers – without breaking any equally pesky consumer-protection or criminal statutes. 

1. Close The Door: Determine where that particular camel’s snoot is penetrating your tent – and close it off! If, say, most new customers contact you by phone, don’t answer it. If they contact you via social media, ignore them. Ditto for referrals. Ignore them long enough, prospects will get the message and move to the next plumbing or drain cleaning company on their list. Then, as Inspector Cleauseau might say, “Wallah, problem solv-ed!”

2. Fly Under The Radar: Don’t do anything to bring customers your way. Don’t advertise. Don’t encourage referrals. And don’t use social media. Don’t display your company’s name on your truck, either. And don’t distribute refrigerator magnets, water heater decals, business cards or other reminders of your services. After all, that might result in another phone call you don’t have time to answer! 

3. Adjust Your Attitude: Stop coddling your customers by being “nice.” Customers are like stray puppies: If you’re nice to them, they’ll expect more and more from you. They might even follow you home! 

4. Welcome Inefficiency: Don’t bother being on time for appointments. If you appear too professional, this could fall into the same category as stray puppies. (See above.) And we don’t want that! 

5. Embrace Your Inner “Pig Pen”: As the Peanuts comic-strip character “Pig Pen” long ago proved, professional appearance is overrated. So don’t appear clean and neat, because that, too, might produce repeat business – which, as we have scientifically demonstrated here, would prove bad. Don’t bother with booties, masks, and gloves, either. Those just slow you down – and make you look silly, to boot. 

6. You’re Not Being Paid For Being A Maid: Ditch, too, tarps and any other gear that keeps customer premises clean and safe. Plus, it falls under the “being nice” and might encourage repeat business, detonating your nice, neat calendar. 

7. Never Warranty Your Work: Customers just develop unrealistic expectations of long-term relationships that automatically foster future business. Remember: we’re trying to avoid coddling customers that might generate possible work disruptions! 

8. Wear Blinders: Don’t look around the place for other potential problems while doing your job. Just keep your mouth shut. Don’t talk to the customer any more than is necessary. And get out of there as fast as you can! 

9. Don’t Overextend Yourself: If you’re drain cleaning, for instance, just get the water moving to an acceptable level – and scram! Don’t follow your sewer snake with a jetter and camera to make sure the problem is really fixed. You just might find a pipe replacement job that’ll keep you tied up for a week. And who has time for that?

10.    Minimize Training: Invest in absolutely minimal training. After all, it’s expensive. And it’s hard to quantify the results. It’s OK, if required, to take a course on current codes and standards to stay on the right side of the law. But why pay to improve your office productivity? That’s a complete waste of time! Don’t let some head-in-the-clouds trainer corrupt the minds of your employees. That’s your job! 

Speaking of employees, never hire new workers unless absolutely necessary. Find the balance between a fair work load – and having to share it with anyone else. Maybe you’ll be left with more profits at the end of the year. It could happen!

Back To Earth 

I could go on, but you get the gist of it. We all know business owners who seem to follow the suggestions outlined above. And we’ve seen the results. 

In today’s world, losing customers is easier than ever, so if that is your goal, you’re living in the “Golden Age!” 

One of my grade school teachers used to say, “We’re all examples and role models. Some role models should be imitated. And others show us what NOT to do.” 

So, if you see the irony of my 10-Step Program to shed customers, try doing the opposite – and see what happens. 

Bottom line: No matter what type of business we own or manage professionally, we’re all customers. We can readily distinguish good service from bad service. We all know what makes us smile and what makes us curse. 

So walk a bit in your customers’ shoes – and try exceeding their expectations. Your business – and calendar – will usually take care of themselves.

Dave Dunbar is the national sales manager (emeritus) for General Pipe Cleaners. For more information about drain cleaning in general and General Pipe Cleaners in particular, visit our website at drainbrain.com, or call 800-245-6200.